This is an imaginary letter I believe Chris could have legitimately written to Cheryl Strayed & Reese Witherspoon.
“Hey WILD girls,
I am writing to say NOT thank you. Because of you, I am about to spend the next week HIKING the Machu Picchu. I don’t really mind the Machu Picchu part (that’s actually pretty cool), but I could definitively have done without the Hiking part. It all happened before I could say anything six months ago when the movie “Wild” came out. Jo bought your book, Cheryl, and the day she finished it she went to see your movie Reese. So in my opinion, you share common responsibility for SCREWING my vacation.
Jo came home in this happy haze, this “I have a great idea face”. The face that makes me shut up and be supportive. She started talking how meaningful nature and hiking is, how much more we would get out of our one-week kids-free holiday if we went hiking together.
That’s right: ONE WEEK. I get one week of holiday with my wife every year. And you had to get in her head and now I am gonna spend that week HIKING?!?!?!
We had a good thing going on: last year we went to the Sri Lankan beaches, the year before: Thaïland, the year before: Bali. See a pattern here, WILD girls? It includes cocktails on the beach, massages and hours of lounging by the pool. What it does NOT include is PAIN, sleeping in a tent or shitty DIY food. You feel me sisters? I worked so hard on getting Jo to do these vacations: telling her all about the cultural heritage of Koh Lanta and the amazing temples in Ubud… and it worked! Now you come along with your coming-of-age freaking Pacific Coast Trail shit and ruin my HOLIDAY?
What am I supposed to do now? Six months ago, I didn’t really get that this was happening. And now, it’s next week! I’d rather GO TO WORK. I’d rather stay home and manage my two under-6s all by myself than live without a bathroom for four days. Damn you WILD girls.
Yours for NEVER,
PS: As I am respectable man, I am sparing you the numerous jokes about Girls gone WILD…